Addiction recovery is one of the hardest journeys a person can take—not only because of the internal battles with cravings and identity, but also because of the external challenges, especially when it comes to relationships. One of the most painful realizations for many people in recovery is that not everyone in their circle—sometimes even close family or lifelong friends—will support or understand their new path.

It’s common advice to “cut ties” with anyone who isn’t supportive of your sobriety. While that’s sometimes necessary, life isn’t always so black and white. What if the person who occasionally drinks around you is your mom? Or your childhood best friend? What if your brother jokes about your sobriety, not to hurt you, but because he genuinely doesn’t get it? Do you have to cut everyone off and rebuild from scratch?

Not necessarily.

The Truth: It Is Hard

Let’s not sugarcoat it—maintaining relationships with people who don’t understand your recovery journey is emotionally taxing. It can make you feel unseen, misunderstood, or even tempted. That tension between wanting to grow and wanting to stay connected is very real. And while you don’t have to walk away from everyone, you do have to be intentional about how you engage.

Here’s how you can maintain a sense of connection without compromising your sobriety:

 

1. Set Boundaries—Clearly and Early

Boundaries aren’t walls. They’re fences with gates—openable, but protective. Let your family and friends know what you can and cannot tolerate. That might mean no alcohol around you, no drug-related conversations, or simply asking them to respect certain topics.

You can say:
 “I love being around you, but I’m in a really fragile place right now. If you’re using or drinking when we hang out, I have to step away. I hope you understand—it’s not about judgment, it’s about survival.”

You don’t have to explain yourself over and over. Say it once, kindly but firmly. Then follow through.

 

2. Limit, Don’t Eliminate

Sometimes, maintaining a relationship in recovery means changing the how, not the who. Maybe instead of weekly visits, you check in once a month. Instead of hours-long hangouts, it’s a quick coffee. Instead of parties, it’s brunch or a walk in the park.

Reducing exposure to risky environments allows you to stay connected without compromising your progress. It also shows your loved ones that you’re not abandoning them—you’re just protecting your peace.

 

3. Find New Ways to Connect

If your relationships have always revolved around substance use, you may need to build new shared experiences. Invite your friend to a movie night, a hike, a volunteer event, or a recovery-friendly activity. If they’re willing to meet you halfway, that’s a sign they care—even if they don’t fully understand.

This transition can be awkward, especially if you’re trying to redefine old dynamics. But sometimes, these new routines can uncover deeper, healthier bonds than you had before.

 

4. Use Your Support System Strategically

Just because your cousin doesn’t “get” recovery doesn’t mean they don’t love you. But love without understanding can still be harmful. That’s why you need a strong support system—people who do get it.

Support groups (like AA, NA, or SMART Recovery), sober mentors, therapists, or recovery coaches can fill in the emotional gaps. Before seeing a triggering friend or family member, talk with someone in your support circle. Decompress after the interaction with a trusted confidant. Use the tools you’ve been given.

Recovery doesn’t mean becoming emotionally self-sufficient—it means knowing who to lean on, and when.

 

5. Accept That Not Everyone Will Come With You

This is the hardest truth: Some relationships may not survive your recovery.

Some people may mock you. Some might be threatened by your growth. Some might prefer the “old you” because it validated their own lifestyle. That hurts—but it’s not your responsibility to shrink back into your old life to make someone else comfortable.

Letting go doesn’t mean you don’t care. It just means you’re choosing life. And sometimes, stepping back creates the space for those people to grow too.

 

6. Look for the Silver Linings

Not every unsupportive person will remain that way. People change. Your consistency and transformation might be the wake-up call someone else needs. Years from now, the cousin who rolled their eyes at your sobriety might be asking you for help with theirs.

Until then, take peace in knowing that you’re planting seeds. Your resilience has ripple effects you can’t even see yet.

 

Additional Resources

If you’re navigating the tension of keeping connections while staying sober, consider checking out:

  • Al-Anon or Nar-Anon – Support for families affected by addiction, often helpful even for the person in recovery to understand family dynamics.
  • SMART Recovery Family & Friends – Science-based tools for those dealing with a loved one’s addiction.
  • “The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober” by Catherine Gray – A memoir that discusses social challenges in sobriety with humor and honesty.
  • Therapy for codependency or family trauma – Especially if you’re recovering in a family system with toxic patterns.

Final Thought

Your recovery is your own, but you don’t have to do it in isolation. It’s okay to grieve the changes in your relationships, but don’t forget to celebrate the courage it takes to keep going anyway. Recovery doesn’t always mean cutting people off. Sometimes it means loving them with boundaries—and loving yourself with everything you’ve got.

You’re not alone. You’re not failing. You’re growing.

And that’s worth protecting.